woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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