I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
