just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize