I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize