i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
