What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she told me i tasted like america
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Success! We fucked roommates!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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