Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
