Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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