I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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