what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
