how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
