seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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