soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
