i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
