Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
