your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
