So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
