Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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