3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
