I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
