I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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