he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
