i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
