I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
