i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
