I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
