The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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