I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
