where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
well you can't waste a boner
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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