my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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