another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
