She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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