I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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