In America we eat man semen.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize