If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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