he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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