Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
