Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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