Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
