I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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