he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Houston, we have a blender
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
