He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
