not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
