i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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