I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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