I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize