woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
