We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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