I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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