Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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