God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
