The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
