do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
