they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
