Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
