dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
