ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
