wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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