porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
