I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
