I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
