someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
