I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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