Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
