so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Im part way to drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
