There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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