Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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